If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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