Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Someone signed my nipple.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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