I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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