She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize