If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
