I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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