I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
