You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize