Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
