I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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