I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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