I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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