She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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