Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
