Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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