The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
