my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
