someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
