i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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