Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
