I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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