It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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