dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
