I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
