We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
