I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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