i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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