my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
