when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
