I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
