he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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