My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
