I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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