I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Sext me about skeletons
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
