It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
