I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
