why didn't you poke me back
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
