I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
