Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
