i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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