I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
