I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
