I faked an abortion last night.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
