I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
porn star boner night. come get it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
