I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
