you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
