fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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