Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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