and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This show inspires me to have sex in space
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
