i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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