you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
