she looked like the before picture.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
