Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
