Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
