I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
