I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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