i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
