Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
