i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
