Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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