she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
