The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
