Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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